FIRE LOU PINIELLA MOVES TO A PERMANENT HOME

Folks, I'm going to need to hunker down for a long three years, so I'm moving this operation over to Fire Lou Piniella! I hope to see you over there.

EDIT: "Fire Lou Piniella!" is now Hire Jim Essian! I promise this is the last change for a while.

Piniella to Bring Back Rothschild? Kermit to Bring Back Breakfast?

CHICAGO--With the hiring of Lou Piniella to manage the Cubs in 2007 and beyond, rumors have circulated that Piniella will bring back Larry Rothschild, who was Piniella's pitching coach when Piniella coached the Cincinnati Reds to the 1990 World Championship. Rothschild has been known as the Grim Reaper of young pitching careers since coming to the Cubs.

Rich Hill, a young lefthander expected to be the Cubs' rotation next year, heard the news on Monday. "It's not official yet, though, is it? I mean. There's still a chance that Rothschild won't be back, right?" Hill asked.

Young southpaw Sean Marshall echoed Hill's thoughts. "Don't you think it's possible that Greg [Maddux] will retire and come here? It's not impossible, right? I have him on speed dial. We could ask him," Marshall said.

Juan Mateo, a big righthander who showed flashes of promise with the Cubs this year, sobbed quietly in the corner of the press room and was unavailable for comment.

Upon hearing the news Carlos Marmol, a catcher converted to pitcher, immediately converted back to a catcher. "I had my shinguards on before I heard 'Child,'" Marmol said. "I have a family to think about."

If the Cubs do follow through with the threat and bring back Rothschild, Bad Kermit, a contributor to "Fire Lou Piniella!" is expected to bring back his breakfast along with part of last night's dinner. The rumor is that the breakfast included part of a bagel, and the dinner consisted mainly of cajun shrimp and chicken pasta.

Piniella Fitted for Cubs Jersey; "Fire Lou Piniella!" Fitted for Three Years of Sarcasm and Despair

CHICAGO--Five interviews and six hundred meals later, Chicago Cubs' general manager Jim Hendry's search is at an end. Hendry has sat down and interviewed five potential managers for the opening left after the departure of Dusty Baker: Joe Girardi, Bob Brenly, Lou Piniella, Pat Listach, and Mike Quade. The Cubs have announced that Piniella will be their manager in 2007.

Hendry's choice is expected to cause intrascrotal hematomas in many long-suffering Cubs fans.

After a lengthy interview process, many fans thought Girardi would be the perfect fit for the Cubs, but Hendry appears to have prioritized experience over intelligence. "What has Girardi done?" Hendry asked. "Sure, our payroll is expected to increase next year more than the entire payroll of the Marlins this year, and Girardi had them in the Wild Card hunt, but what does that mean? That we should cut the payroll to $15 million? You might be on to something," Hendry spewed.

After the Cubs' experience with Dusty Baker, Game Six of the 2003 NLCS, the last week of 2004, and all of 2005 and 2006, this hiring was expected to be Hendry's most important. After indicating an initial interest in Bruce Bochy, Hendry never bothered contacted the Padres about conducting an interview with the popular San Diego manager.

One bright side to the Cubs' hiring of Piniella is the continued existence of "Fire Lou Piniella!" The site is expected to expose Piniella's shortcomings from Day One of his tenure with the Cubs, much to the delight of the site's creator, Bad Kermit. "Oh, I'm thrilled," Kermit said. "If you're not suffering along with no hope, you're just not a Cubs fan. This hiring will give the site years and years of great material," Kermit said.

Transcript Released of Hendry, Piniella Interview

"Fire Lou Piniella!" got an exclusive look at the transcript of Jim Hendry's interview of Lou Piniella. Enjoy.

HENDRY: Thanks for coming in, Lou.

PINIELLA: Thanks for having me, Jim. Well, now that we're done with the pleasantries, where is the f@#$ing waitress?

HENDRY: No kidding. I'm starving.

PINIELLA: While we're waiting, let's talk about this sh#$ty-ass baseball club of yours. What kind of @$$holes do you have playing for this team, anyhow?

HENDRY: Well, we have some pitchers and some fielders, and-

PINIELLA: That's not what I meant, you disgusting slob.

HENDRY: What did you mean?

PINIELLA: What sort of men are they? Are they the type who would take a bullet for their leader? Are they the type who doesn't mind getting screamed at in front of their wives and children? Would they squeal if they took a merciless beating in the clubhouse?

HENDRY: I guess? I don't know. I don't really follow baseball.

PINIELLA: What are you, queer?

HENDRY: No, I'm just hungry.

PINIELLA: Are these bastards ready to play baseball for me?

HENDRY: I'm not sure.

PINIELLA: I like my soup hot, my stool loose, my ballplayers tough, and my prostate small, God damnit!

HENDRY: I'm sure I can accommodate some of those things.

PINIELLA: I don't like you.

HENDRY: Fair enough. Let's talk strategy. What sorts of things would you do differently to make the team better next year?

PINIELLA: Connie Mack always used to tell me, "If you don't have balls, you can't play baseball." So, I'd make sure this team had some stones, Jim. Stones!

HENDRY: What do you mean by that?

PINIELLA: Like that Furcal fella that you didn't get over here. That boy's got some brass ones. Beating his wife and drinking and driving like that. That's a man's man!

HENDRY: I see.

PINIELLA: And I don't want this c@#$suckers telling me about statistics and discipline and all that bullsh@#. No one ever won a championship building a team like that.

HENDRY: No one that I've ever heard of, at least.

PINIELLA: You win championships by swinging out your ass at every pitch. You don't need to move runners into scoring position when you can just swing wildly at balls anywhere near the strike zone. You hear me, Jim?

HENDRY: Where is that waitress?

PINIELLA: I ain't gonna have my players wasting everyone's time drawing walks and laying down bunts. That sh@# is for ninnies. You know what rhymes with "bunts," don't you?

HENDRY: Ah, here comes the waitress now.

PINIELLA: This interview is over. I start on Monday. You leave me a blank f@#$ing check every week on my desk, and I'll fill in what I need.

HENDRY: I'll have what's on page three, followed by what's on page five.

Hendry, Girardi Eat Six Meals Together; Girardi Gets One

CHICAGO--Cubs general manager Jim Hendry and former Cubs player and former Marlins manager Joe Girardi sat down on Monday and discussed the managerial opening of the Chicago Cubs.

Hendry and Girardi met over lunch on Monday. At Hendry's request, the two also met for afterlunch, lunch at two, pre-supper, supper, dinner, afterdinner, and snacktime.

A bloated Hendry said, “I’d say we had a solid meal. I enjoyed my food with him. I also had a lot of carbohydrates for him when he was here as a player. We ate a lot of meatballs. He’s a hungry guy.”


Hendry and Girardi get together over what Hendry called "A light lunch."

Between Tums, Girardi said that the meeting went well. "There were a few times I was a little nervous," Girardi said. When asked if Girardi was nervous about the meeting, he said, "Oh, no. I know my baseball, and I know I can help this team. I was nervous because there were a few times that my hands got really close to Jim's plates."

Girardi has been wooed by the Washington Nationals, who are searching for a manager after releasing Frank Robinson. Girardi spoke with the Nationals last week, but was not as well-fed as he was with Hendry.

"The Nationals were very interested in having me come aboard. They asked me about what I would do to make the team successful. You know. Things like that. Jim and I talked more about whether I like ham on my steak and whether I have ever gotten a sore throat from eating too fast. It was different."

Hendry made the announcement after the Cubs declined to resign former manager Dusty Baker that he would take some time to "digest" before making a decision on the new manager. The meeting with Girardi is expected to delay Hendry's decision making process until baseball's winter meetings at the earliest.

Showalter, Torre on Market; God Help Us All

VIA FIRST-CLASS MAIL
1060 W. Addison
Chicago, IL 60613

Re: New Cubs Manager

Dear Mr. Hendry,

Please let this letter serve as a formal request that you make a decision soon regarding who you are going to hire as the new Cubs manager. As you are well aware, I have maintained the Fire Dusty Baker! website for some time now. Because of your recent moronic comments, I have been forced to reserve and maintain Fire Lou Piniella!. Frankly, Mr. Hendry, I have neither the time nor the patience to maintain Fire Buck Showalter! and Fire Joe Torre!, nor do I know if either of those websites are available. Please accept this formal request to resolve this issue in a timely manner for the sake of Cubs fans and bloggers everywhere.

Thank you very much for your attention to this matter.

Very truly yours,
Bad Kermit

Managerial Hostage Crisis Day Four: The Stupid Piles Up

Dusty Baker was released about four days ago by the Chicago Cubs, by my count. Joe Girardi was released about three days ago by the Florida Marlins. The Marlins hired a new manager, Fredi Gonzalez, who a lot of baseball folks project to be a pretty damn good manager, probably the second best on the market behind Girardi, approximately 2 days, 20 hours ago. The Cubs are still managerless, as they have been since, oh, let's say Vietnam.

What the hell is taking so long? Girardi has all but said that he would kiss every dude in Chicago for the Cubs job. Matt Herges, a veteran reliever for the Marlins, has said that Girardi is the greatest human being in the history of the world. Girardi has begun building a house in the Chicago suburbs. The only person in all this who thinks that Girardi isn't perfect for the Cubs job is Marlins owner, self-promoter, and well-known douchebag Jeffrey Loria.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JIM HENDRY?! Hendry has said that he needed time to "digest." If he's talking about his breakfast, he's not going to get around to hiring a manager until the 2009 campaign. If he's talking about thinking about who will be the next manager, why the hell did he wait this long to do so? Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't it a foregone conclusion that Dusty was not going to be back sometime around the All-Star break? Wasn't Girardi practically run out of town sometime in August? How has Hendry not yet connected the dots here? Well, I have a couple of theories:

1. Hendry does not want to hire a popular manager, as all the blame will fall on him when the team inevitably sucks next year. Let's face it. This team is terribly constructed, and as long as Hendry is at the helm, I have no faith that it will get any better. I guarantee he goes into this offseason penciling Mark Prior in for 30-33 starts. That's just stupidity. Hendry should enter the offseason counting on Mark Prior for zero starts, and expect anything greater than zero to be a bonus. The lineup is solid, as long as you don't mind gaping offensive holes in center field, right field, shortstop, and second base. Hendry has more holes to fill this offseason than Mark Foley. If he hires a boob like Piniella, he can count on at least half the fan base hating Piniella instead of him. If he hires Girardi, the fans will heroize Girardi and be left with no one to blame but Hendry.
2. Hendry is foolishly gunshy. Haven't we played this game before? Wasn't Hendry's "top priority" last offseason Rafael Furcal? That worked out well. The only start I remember Furcal had when the Cubs were on the field included Furcal slamming into Lee like he's slammed into so many trees after so many drunken benders, shattering Lee's wrist and any Cub hope into a million little pieces. Hendry's total failure to land Furcal also cost the Cubs three good young pitching prospects in Sergio Mitre, Reynel Pinto and Ricky Nolasco in order to get the one-year rental Juan Pierre. Nolasco proceeded to go 11-11 with a 4.82 ERA and a 1.41 WHIP. For perspective, that ERA would have been better than every single Cub rookie, save Rich Hill, who the Cubs trotted out there this season. In the brief cup of coffee Pinto had, he pitched oustandingly except for the walks. He almost certainly would have been more effective in the Cubs bullpen than Roberto Novoa. Pierre, on the other hand, didn't get a hit until July, still hasn't drawn a walk in a Cubs uniform, got thrown out trying to steal second by a combined 36 miles this year, and has the most hollow 200-hit season in the history of Major League Baseball. It sure seems like all of this could have been avoided if Hendry had gotten his man. Sure, the Dodgers overpaid for Furcal. But if the Cubs weren't wasting money on the likes of Glendon Rusch and Neifi Perez, they would have had more than enough to get Furcal, save Derrek Lee's wrist, insert Pinto into the bullpen and Nolasco into the rotation, and possibly cure cancer. I would be willing to bet that if the Cubs have not hired Joe Girardi by Wednesday of next week, he will be managing the Nationals. If that's the case, I hope he shoves it up the Cubs' collective asses every time his team plays them.
   
3. Hendry is waiting to hire one of the managers currently in the playoffs. Someone suggested this theory to me. Who? Ron Gardenhire? Why would he leave an organization with young talent, a deep farm system, homegrown position players, and possibly the best 1-2 punch of Santana and Liriano in baseball to come manage the bullet train to hell that is the Chicago Cubs? Don't be stupid, Hendry. Gardenhire shouldn't give you the time of day if his phone rings.
   
4. Hendry got so excited when Buck Showalter came on the market that he fell and broke his hip in a scramble to get the phone. Hendry, just say "no" to Buck Showalter. He's not good at managing a baseball team. He's really not. He's just like Dusty: a big name manager with neither the credentials nor the brains to deserve to manage this team.

Whatever Hendry's excuse for not getting this done by now, I've officially tempered my excitement about possibly getting Girardi. The longer this goes on, the more likely Girardi goes to the Nationals rather than the Cubs. Be prepared for that, loyal Cubs fans. If that happens, I will be purchasing the Extra Innings package next year and officially becoming a Twins fan.

RESERVED

Just so you know, Jim Hendry, I'm here, waiting for you to f@#$ up the hiring of the next Cubs manager. I already have several topics in mind, including:

1. Bad Old Boy?
2. Piniella Fills Out Lineup Card, Eats Baby
3. Piniella, Boss Hogg; Separated at Birth?
4. Piniella to Lee, "No Coloreds!"